Quentin was shut out of the debates.

Quentin was denied federal matching funds.

Quentin's candidacy completely eluded the corporate/liberal media's scandal detectors and was therefore seen as just not controversial enough to be a real campaign.

Now that we have seen the results (some of the results, anyway) of the 2000 US election, we can prove that we were right all along! Vis:

• They said a dead senator could never be elected. Ha! That's not what they said in the Show-Me state!
• They said a "third party" candidate couldn't so much as influence an election. HA! Tell that to the Greenie Weenies! (note: there is some contention about using this title, but most of Quentin's staff prefers it to "Nader's Raiders")
• They said the much-hyped "bland vs. dumb" stereotype embodied by the Quentin campaign would be refuted clearly after election day. HA! and HA! again! At this writing, we're more than a week past "election day" and they're still bland and dumb!

The American People have spoken, and over 97% (of the 50% who bothered to vote) don't want the government run by one of these "major party" bozos. The "Vote Quentin" campaign hereby calls for a NEW ELECTION with no media meddling.

Under the terms of the NEW ELECTION:

• The media would be specifically forbidden from "balancing" every story with the viewpoint of whichever argumentative idiot from the other side happened to pick up the phone.
• The media would be required to report facts and only facts. Any reporting of spin, speculation, projection, folksy homilies, material from unnamed sources, or use of presidential historians would result in an automatic sentence of no less than ten years in a Chinese embassy.
• No !@#$%^ polls.
• Any show purporting to give equal time to both sides of an argument would be required to put the arguers and the hosts in a steel cage with easy access to metal folding chairs.
• Campaigns would be forbidden from using brown children, Boy Scouts, American flags, or veterans as props or backdrops in their speeches. The only people allowed onstage with a candidate would be donors to the campaign. In fact, donors would be required to appear onstage with the candidates.
• No !@#$%^ commercials.
• Every vote would count toward what we call a "total" and this "total" would be decided exclusively by the number of votes, not politicians.

Quentin's campaign awaits a response from the other candidates to this proposal. As soon as they agree, we'll have a new election. No rush. Respond some time next year, or maybe '02.

Scroll down to see Quentin's original campaign materials. Send diatribes to votequentin@yahoo.com.

In this inevitable election year, there's precious little to move voters to the polls. The Republican candidate is a political idiot savant, the son of a lackluster former President. The Democratic candidate is a politically lackluster Vice President, the son of a former Senator. Heirs to two political dynasties, each about as inspiring as a medium slice of white toast.

But there is one son of a political dynasty who can handily beat the two major parties' pathetic best efforts. If we can convince him to run, we will truly make history this year. That's why we urge you to...

VOTE QUENTIN in 2000

Quentin Burdick, former Senator from North Dakota, served 34 years in the US Senate. His father, Usher Lloyd "Cockle" Burdick, spent 20 years in the House and Senate, largely ignored by his fellow Republicans. His son endured months of painful shots and surgery, officially changing into a Democrat in 1958 and succeeding his father in the Senate two years later. After five consecutive Senate terms, Burdick the Younger was lauded by Republicans and Democrats alike on the occasion of his death from heart failure in 1992.

"He served his country with great distinction."
Republican President George Bush, 1992

"His accomplishments were many, his integrity unimpeachable, his character high."
Democratic Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell, 1992

Smarter than Bush! Livelier than Gore!

The ultimate "none of the above (ground)" vote!

Frequently-asked Questions about Quentin

Quentin doesn't stand. He's dead.

With a serious groundswell of support, Quentin will have no choice but to resurface in the political world.

Quentin promises to be a calm and dignified leader, cool in a crisis, and absolutely imperturbable.

Definitely not. Quentin wouldn't be caught dead selling weapons to rogue nations, smuggling drugs, kidnapping American citizens, or boinking anyone on his staff. Plus, if Quentin threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister, it wouldn't be a gaffe, it'd be a miracle!

Quite the opposite. He's certain to avoid gaffes, he won't engage in negative campaigning, and he won't bore you to death with debates. Anti-dead bigotry rarely rears its ugly head in this enlightened age. Dead candidates routinely win local contests, but Quentin is the first Dead-American to dare a run for the White House. (Reagan doesn't count, as he was technically alive throughout most of his term.)

Yes.

Even we won't go there.

No. He's dead.

Nothing. He's dead. Public opinion strongly supports the concept of politicians shutting the hell up and giving up all this meddling in public policy. Quentin will be the most responsive candidate to this "don't do anything" constituency. His tacit veto of every bill that hits his desk virtually guarantees Congress won't be able to do any damage, either. If he wins a second term, we may be able to clear out the Supreme Court as well.

It's virtually limitless, as most of the country's most effective leaders are dead. L. Ron Hubbard, Elvis Presley, and Kurt Cobain all boast larger followings than their more-alive rivals. Theodore Roosevelt may be a good choice, but he's rumored to be considering an independent run of his own. Abraham Lincoln was in the running before it was discovered that he suffered from clinical depression, doubtless good fodder for attack ads. Old friend JFK, Sr. has already been described as "too Clintonesque" for the ticket.

Young (and alive) Quentin Burdick, right, sits with then-President (and alive) John F. Kennedy, left, and another guy who may or may not be alive.

How do I vote for Quentin?

1. Go to the polling place.
   IMPORTANT: Wait until election day.
2. When your turn comes, one of the elderly ladies will hand you a ballot and ask you to sign a book. This book will already have your name and the names of other people printed in it. Do not be alarmed.
3. Sign the book beside your name or you will be shot.
4. The ballot will list several loony candidates and many, many ballot initiatives sponsored by bigots in Virginia. (The exception to this rule is Virginia, where the ballot initiatives are sponsored by bigots in Georgia.) Skip the ballot measures and local candidates and turn straight to the President page.
5. The last name on the candidates list will be the Communist candidate. Write "QUENTIN BURDICK" in the empty space below that line.
6. Put the ballot in the ballot box. If you've seen candidates do this on TV, you've probably seen them pause with the ballot halfway in the slot and smile while people took their picture. Feel free to hold the ballot halfway in the slot and smile until people take your picture.
7. Run.

Does Quentin accept donations?

No! Accepting contributions from somebody like you could seriously taint this upstanding (metaphorically) candidate.

Get involved! Tell your friends about Quentin's campaign. Without your support, America will lose this opportunity to make the most positive political statement since, well, ever. Send a link to your friends and fellow voters!

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